How to have great sex after kids

Because your kids aren’t the only ones who need “lights out” time. One sex study says that parents only manage to spend about 20 minutes of alone time each week. We tell you how to get the “sexy times” back.


Blame it on better careers, longer hours, total exhaustion, familiarity and the birth of your next generation – yup. A sexual dry spell is upon you. For some, sex after kids gets better and they have the finances and domestic help to make their couple getaways a more-easily accomplished reality. But for the majority of folks, it’s a real struggle. Here are some pointers on how to have a sex more than once in a blue moon. 


1. Admit it and start talking about it

It’s no secret that a healthy sex life helps bolster a union. But the last thing a parent wants to think or talk about is sex when they're exhausted and when they've now gotten used to talking about the usual suspects — paying the bills, new bills, kid schedules, picky eaters, how best to discipline them (aka to cane or not to cane), how to get them to do a lot of homework without losing their childhood or ability to still see the world as innocent little kids. But you must.

          You may not have the energy or be in the mood for sex but you have to talk about why, what’s changed and what you’d still like to still stay the same. It’s not an easy conversation to initiate. It may even feel weird. Start with a wish list then figure out what help you can get to help check some of the items off your list. 

2. Make a plan

Get on the same page. Try to have a few similar sex goals. Be enthusiastic about trying to bring it back to a time and place when sex was good and not dreaded by the both of you. Rethink the concept of date night: Forget fancy dining or wallet-thinning experiences; instead, have your kids do a sleepover at a friend’s or Grandma’s and do date night right at home.

          If you’re lucky enough to have kids that sleep early, then have a little aperitif (as strong or as light as you like), or just snuggle up to each other, open a pack of your favorite junk food (prawn crackers, salted plums, whatever sweetens the time together) and watch a movie or news together. Arms touching are a must.

          If it’s too hot for human heat, turn on the air con so that sitting next to each other won’t be such a sweat fest. Humidity and heat have a real dampening effect on desiring intimacy so use the cooling aids available to you. There's no better time to pay for electricity than these times.  

3. Tell the kids that it’s natural for parental PDA

How often have your heard your kids scream “eeewww” when they see Cinderella kiss Prince Charming? Yup, it’s part of the growing-up process. But you can help shape their views of what is a good level of couple intimacy that can bolster a happy marriage. Tell them it’s natural for Mum and Dad to be loving, just as it’s natural for parents to demonstrate love and affection to the kids. Use every opportunity to reinforce that kindness and physical acts of love (giving, physical touch) should be second nature in a happy family.  Now, go turn up your heat.

4. Make each time count

It doesn’t have to be something that takes months in the making and it doesn’t have to break the bank. For starters, when you wake up in the morning, don’t just “hit the jackpot”. Stroke your partner’s hair, hug him a little before diving in. Home from work and done with dinner? Be spontaneous. Get in the car, park somewhere. If you feel that making out and sex in a car is past its prime, then forget the embarrassment, use your hard-earned cash and check in to a motel or hotel.

          Rediscover sex on the sofa, midnight trysts on the kitchen counter top, far away from bedroom ears. Don’t wear old comfy old shorts and tees to bed. Get new girly ones. Just change it up a little and your sex life could get a much needed jump start. Above all, commit to flirty conversations. Never just be partners in crime for the sake of running a home. Remember that laughter and sexual tension bonds. Aim to reinvent the good ole days.

5. Lock your bedroom door

Do you cringe when you think of the kids seeing you share a kiss? Do you worry that the kids will hear you in the middle of? How does one have sex when kids still live at home? Tough doesn't even begin to describe it.

          Most parents find it an absolute impossibility to throw sex into the equation after a baby is born. They think it gets better as the baby demands less attention and grows up but slowly discover the that connecting intimately as a parent is more a concept than a reality.

          So invest in a lock for your bedroom if you don't have one. Make a thick-fonted "BUSY" sign and use it. It can also be a laminated picture of two puppies playing or simply a big purple bow hanging from your door knob. Tell them that when the sign is up, important things are happening and that "DO NOT DISTURB" must be strictly observed until the door opens again. Easier said than done? For sure. In the meanwhile, keep your clothes near your bedside and keep trying.