MUM SAYS Things I never knew before I had sons

This undeterred mother reflects on what she’s discovered and learnt while raising three super-active boys.…

“‘Mummy, I think I farted 18 times yesterday,’ one of my sons casually mentions to me this morning while getting ready for school.

‘Oh, how nice,’ I say, trying to keep a straight face. ‘Can you go grab your breakfast and put on your shoes?’

Indeed, such conversations are commonplace with my brood of, well, what you may call “boys-terous” sons.

I have three little men, with ages ranging from 2 to 6. There’s Christian, 6, the loud, confident one, who bulldozes his way through everything just to give you the sweetest, warmest hug.  Connor, 4, who likes being in charge, wants to be a teacher when he grows up, so that he can make others do his bidding (or so he thinks!). Then, there’s Cameron, 2, my doe-eyed Energizer Bunny, who wants to do everything on his own even if it takes him 10 times as long.

If you have little men in the house, chances are, every visit to the loo will be a hit and miss…”  

As you can imagine, quiet moments at home are rare. Even if we do enjoy several minutes of peace, it often isn’t long before I or my husband aka partner-in-crime, Ewan, are dragged off for a Nerf gun battle, or a game of Twister.

I often get comments ranging from, “Woah! Three boys! How do you manage?”, to “You must have so much energy!” or “You must be exhausted!’

Having an all-boy brood comes with, ahem, a certain type of lifestyle ― but I am also filled with an indescribable sense of joy and satisfaction knowing that I am raising fine young men who will always refer to me as the first woman they’ve ever loved.

Mine has also been a journey of surprises ― things I honestly would never have known if I didn’t give birth to sons.

I’ve rounded up some of them, right here.

1. They are loud
Years ago, a friend told me that her baby girl could screech at an incredible volume, so I was ‘lucky to be having a boy’, who would apparently not make as much noise. Um, I don’t think so. At any one time, I’m usually inundated by make believe battle noises, questions about the solar system, complaints about ‘gor gor just hit me!’ and a rendition of Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody that is venturing on harmful decibel levels.

2. Oh, the bathroom smells
This one, I completely did not see coming. Once my oldest was out of diapers, I can honestly say that my bathrooms have never smelt the same again. If you have little men in the house, chances are, every visit to the loo will be a hit and miss, which means you can expect to find ― smell? ― those dribbles down the side of the bowl…you know what I mean! So, yes, toilet training was a pain and a half, but hey, here’s a tip: Boys have it good if you need to go on long car rides ― just stash a couple of pasta sauce jars with tight lids at the back of your seat…you never know when you might need them!

3. They revel in toilet humour
An all-time favourite plaything in our home has to be the Fart Blaster from the Despicable Me movie. Believe me, anything that vaguely sounds like a fart would leave the boys rolling around in stitches. What is it with boys and farts? You know how in most social settings, if someone really has to break out their funk, they try to do it in secret? No such luck with a trio of boys. They’d be the first to claim credit ― proudly ― for any ‘stinker’ that’s emitted.

4. They can turn any object into a weapon
One time, when I asked my husband to pick up some carrots from the supermarket while he was there with the boys. Minutes later, he sends me a photo of them, happily posing with a bunch of leeks ― “Leek-sabers” he declares, with pride.

Hugs, cuddles and what they want to wear… Next!