“I don’t know about you but the arrival of my first child was a huge shock to my system.
After a long struggle with infertility, after the many treatments and procedures, we were all ready for our baby boy to join us. Well, we were as ready as we could be ― after all, I don’t really think that anyone can say that they are well and truly prepared to be parents.
But then came the shock. There was resentment, sadness, stress, frustration. There were many, many moments when I burst into tears and sank to the floor of my baby’s room.
Part of it was the lack of sleep, for sure. Exclusively breastfeeding my child meant that I had to sleep in snatches of three hours ― my entire life was broken down into three-hourly chunks. Also, anxiety over being a first-time mother ― am I producing milk? Is he latching properly? Did he drink enough? Are there enough wet diapers? ― made me sleep poorly. Nap when baby naps? Hah ― he didn’t nap much!
“Anxiety over being a first-time mother ― am I producing milk? Is he latching properly? Did he drink enough? Are there enough wet diapers? ― made me sleep poorly.”
Then, there was the sudden realisation that this mewling, helpless, tiny being was entirely dependent on me for survival. What if I didn’t know what I was doing? If he wasn’t sleeping (my first-born hated sleep with a vengeance ― even as a newborn!), was his development ruined? Why was he crying? How can I make him stop?
In the days and the months of his life early on, it was just me and him alone in the house. I had no help, my mother was preoccupied with my nephew and we hadn’t had a helper yet. And so, I had to take on the roles of mother and wife and housekeeper all by myself.
That made me miserable. I was struggling to get used to caring for an infant and trying to get everything else done at the same time. Perhaps it was postpartum depression, I wouldn’t know. I had no idea, nobody ever told me that I would feel this way. I had assumed that once the baby was here, I would be glowing with maternal love and motherhood would come naturally to me.
It took me more than 10 weeks before I cleared away the cobwebs.
Keep clicking to find out how Li Yann resolved her childcare issues…
Thankfully, that gave me enough time to enjoy my newborn before I went back to work. And in that respect, I was really grateful that I had 16 weeks of maternity leave. Those 16 weeks were not only to help me recover from the physical aspect of the birth, they were necessary for my mental and emotional health. I simply cannot fathom how I would have been like if I had to go back to work a month or two or even three after the birth. My anxiety levels would have been through the roof, and don’t even get me started on the mum guilt.
Is 16 weeks enough? To be perfectly honest, I think six months would have been ideal. At 4 months, my babies were still itty bitty and dependent solely on my breastmilk for sustenance, so I felt so stressed at work, trying to find time (and space) to express. But then again, even the USA does not even mandate paid maternity leave ― 16 weeks is great compared to that!
When I went back to work, I was lucky enough to have both sides of the family pitch in to help with caregiving. And then when my son turned 28 months ― he had a baby brother by then ― we enrolled him in the childcare centre at my workplace. It was a no-brainer: Its proximity ensured convenience in dropping him off and picking him up, and the costs were really reasonable. In addition to the basic $300 childcare subsidy that we receive from the government, we were also eligible for an employee subsidy.
This meant that we weren’t working just to earn enough to pay childcare fees! Plus ― and that is a big PLUS ― we were able to top up our boys’ Child Development Accounts after we had received the Baby Bonus ($6,000 during our time, it’s apparently $8,000 these days!), so the government matched it dollar for dollar. We used the money to pay off their childcare fees.
I know that when the Baby Bonus was first launched, many Singaporeans complained that the government was trying to bribe us to have children. There were grumbles of how $6,000 is not enough to bring up a child. I was probably one of them ― heh heh.
But I will eat my words here and say that as a sandwiched middle-income group, the $6,000 and subsequent dollar-for-dollar matching programme has come in very useful. Will I have kids just for that $6,000? Probably not. But as somebody who’s always wanted to have kids? Yes, that money helps, more than I could possibly have imagined.
Looking back on our five-year parenting journey, I sometimes wonder aloud to my husband if we would have kids all over again, given what we know now. Honestly? I would. It’s tough, exhausting, humbling, frustrating. But it is also amazing and joyful.
I wouldn’t change a single minute of it.”
Long Li Yann is mum to Zac, 2, and Aidan, 5. She blogs at Yannisms.
Photos: Long Li Yann (Instagram handle: #yannisms)
This article is in collaboration with HeyBaby
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